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The Transformation of the Koala
Originally, the koala was a cute and cuddly creature. In the late 1800's El Osito Diablo killed a koala named Kenny in Australia. Kenny was given some of the powers El Osito Diablo has, and began killing. With our help, by publishing articles on the topic, the human race will know exactly how to handle koala bears. By running away.
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Koalas can shoot lasers out of their eyes
The big, cartoon-like eyes koalas used to have are gone. Now they use black, beady eyes of death and destruction. When calling on their dark leader of pain, El Osito Diablo, they can change their eye color to red and shoot deadly lasers from them. |
Koalas Can Fly Aeroplanes
Through recent military intelligence, we have learned that koala bears have learned to fly fighter jets. With any luck, it will be at least a few years before they build air command towers and runways.
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Bear Claws!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If they aren't bears, why do they have bear claws? Only bears have claws as sharp as razor blades. In fact, koalas can actually chop down most trees with just one sweeping motion. They live in eucalyptus trees, only because they are the only tree strong enough to withstand the force of their claws. |
Koala Trouble In China
According to this poster, koalas have moved into china and are attacking ruthlessly. It reads, "Koalas took over their fourth mattress producing warehouse yesterday, and this morning 43 more children were reported missing from their beds."
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Koalas take advantage of women
Do you really need a caption? Just look at the picture! |
Koalas are "death-engineers"
This koala designed, assembled, and operated machine is very similar to the kirov airships used in Russia. Flying high above cities gathering intelligence, koalas look for easy targets. The airship carries loads of bombs, and can handle very large amounts of damage; one or two of these could easily devastate an area.
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Koalas Can Crush Cars
Above: Road sign in Chicago, Illinois.
Below: Picture of a koala holding a formally mint-condition corvette. Yes, the corvette used to be full-sized.
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Koalas can make you gay
Not only can koalas read minds, they can also control minds. A cruel joke they like to play on people is turning them gay. If you see a koala in real life, put on extra large sunglasses. This will protect you from their psychic powers.
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Koalas Don't Have Reproductive Systems
Koalas regenerate by murdering only. Much like a zombie or vampire, the people koalas kill get up and kill. The people they kill get up and kill! The victims actually turn into koalas. Solution: we somehow isolate the koalas from every other form of life for 1100 years at least. (a koalas average life-span) No more koalas! |
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Koalas are vulgar
KOALAS TEACH YOUR CHILDREN SWEAR WORDS WHEN YOU AREN'T LOOKING!!!
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